Joke thread?

[Enzo]

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"<p>A while later a horse walks into the bar. Bartender serves him a drink and says, "So, why the long face?"

[myp71]

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>>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
>>each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
>>next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
>>morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
>>silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
>>5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
>>
>>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
>>he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
>>wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
>>The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."<p>
RYAN

[Mike6158]

MAJOR problem - need help!!<p>For sometime now I've suspected that my wife may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.<p>Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".<p>I always used keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.<p>The other day I picked up her cellphone, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.<p>Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.<p>But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my motorcycle in the driveway which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.<p>It was while I crouched behind my bike that I noticed rust around my rear wheel.<p>Do you think I should take it to the Honda dealer or should I buy some stuff from Auto Zone and try to repair it myself?

[Mike6158]

This can be Snopes'd but it's pretty good...<p>

[terri]

I cut my teeth on an IBM 1620 back in the early 60s. There was a little IBM Selectric typewriter connected to it on the control console.<p>Well, here's my good-news bad-news story. As my class project in computing, I decided to write a program for calculating a massive number of growth tables for rats --this job was being done by another tech using a Friden mechanical calculator -- kerchunkkerchunkkerchunkity -- a really voluminous output. (At the time I was part-timing it as a tech at the Creedmoor State Hospital on Long Island NY.) <p>So I wrote this program in Fortran and checked and double-checked and triple-checked it before submitting it.<p>Good news: It ran the first time.<p>Bad news: Instructor had never mentioned that output should go to the card punch so it could then be printed out on the line printer. Sooooo.... the whole fifty or so pages was printed out on the little Selectric on the console....<p>Kerclickety kerclickety clackity. For something like three hours!<p>The computer operators called the instructor on it, and he told them to let it run and I got my massive set of tables. The instructor took the "blame" and I got an "A."<p>[ December 08, 2004: Message edited by: terri ]</p>

[Michael Kaudze]

Here is a bunch of classics for all you Nuts & Volts Readers...<p>1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent.<p>2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."<p>3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."<p>4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.<p>5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."<p>6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.<p>7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please,
and one for the road."<p>8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"<p>9. "Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home. That sounds like Tom
Jones Syndrome," "Is it common?" Doctor says "It's Not Unusual."<p>10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning," "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed
Daisy.<p>11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.<p>12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy."<p>13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.<p>14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach
the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."<p>15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.<p>16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.<p>17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[bridgen]

There was a blind skunk who fell in love with a fart.

[John Brown]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr> 16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish. <hr></blockquote>
???
Isn't that supposed to be "a fsh"?

[jollyrgr]

An engineer is inspecting a dam and comes across a frog sitting on the shore. The frog says to the engineer "I'm a beautiful princess and an evil witch has put a spell on me. Kiss me and I shall turn back into a princess and will kiss you properly." The engineer bends down, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog says "I really am a beautiful princess! Kiss me and I shall turn back into a human and will make mad, passionate love to you." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it, smiles, and puts it back in his pocket. The frog says "PLEASE kiss me! I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you my prince and we can live together for the rest of our lives!" The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and puts it back. Now the frog princess is in tears. She cries out. "Why don't you believe me?!?! I'm truly am beautiful. I can make you my prince and we can live together for the rest of our lives. You would be able to have anything you want for ONE simple kiss. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket and says "Look. I'm an engineer. I've never had any real girlfriends and wouldn't know how to treat a beautiful girl if I had one. But a talking frog, now THAT'S cool!"

[josmith]

Meanwhile back at the park bench:<p>While the two dorks are analyzing the situation to death the girl takes off with the hot park maintenance guy.

[myp71]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.<p> A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal
decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the
bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained
that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.<p> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no
lip prints on the mirror.<p> There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Mike6158]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."<p>The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.<p>When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."<p>Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[MicroRem]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>

[Bernius1]

At the park bench;
The hobbyist studies the problem and comes up with ten unproven methods, ignoring the most obvious. When all else fails, he finally does the obvious, and asks her for a date, to which she replies "Oh, the maintenance guy JUST asked me, and we date tonight".
The technician, being chivalrous, but lacking courage to simply ask, sees that the antenna on her 2001 Sony XD-1200 radio needs repair, and will perform the task as an icebreaker. So, stooping to repair it, he bares his rump 'above the beltline', and when he turns back around, she's long gone !!!