Joke thread?

Mike6158 · Post by **Mike6158** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 5:11 am

Maybe we need one of those... and then again... maybe we don't

Two blondes living in Maine were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the moon and talking.One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away..........Florida or the Moon?'The other blonde turns to her and says, "HELLOOOOOOOOOooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

josmith · Post by **josmith** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 7:33 am

Put stuff like this in Tetsujin they need the business.

jollyrgr · Post by **jollyrgr** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:01 am

How about things like this:THE YEAR 1904The year is 1904 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only
the 21st most populous state in the Union.The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500
per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds. Try to imagine what it may be
like in another 100 years.

josmith · Post by **josmith** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 1:07 pm

Yes and we invented the airplane and buit the world trade center and oh never mind I'm glad I won't be here 100 years from now.

perfectbite · Post by **perfectbite** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:06 am

This is an old Spike Milligan joke:One man says to the other "Who are you betting on in the Grand National (a premier horse race in the UK) ?""Andre Previn" says the other man."But Andre Previn is a conductor" says the first man."I know, but think of the odds."

jwax · Post by **jwax** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 4:38 pm

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion passed gas very loudly. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that.""That's okay" said the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

Mike6158 · Post by **Mike6158** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 5:37 pm

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains."My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one."I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another."I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third."My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed."I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced another.Then there was a short moment of silence."Well, thank God we can all still drive," said the first woman cheerfully.[ December 06, 2004: Message edited by: NE5U ]

terri · Post by **terri** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 9:43 pm

Two businessmen sitting on a beach in Florida strike up a conversation."Yeah," says the first one, "I retired after a fire destroyed my factory. I collected the insurance and here I am.""That's a coincidence," says the second one. "Same thing happened to me. A flood came along and wiped out my business and I collected the insurance, so I decided to retire, too!"First one looks at the second one and says, "That's amazing! Small world, isn't it? But tell me...how do you start a flood?"

Enzo · Post by **Enzo** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:34 pm

Considering the date...I know a guy whose dad was black and his mom was Japanese, and every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey.Oh, come on, that's been my favorite joke for the last 45 years.

wd5gnr · Post by **wd5gnr** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 6:27 am

Ok, I'll play. I grew up near southern Louisiana where there are lots of Cajuns. They are known to like hunting and fishing of all kinds. This is my favorite Cajun story:Tibeadeaux was cleaning his boat. Two of his buddies come by and one of them says, "Oh, Tibeadeaux. We got sum good news and sum bad news fo' you."Tibeadeaux stops and says, "Well wat de bad news?""We just come from da bayou and yo' wife floatin' in it -- she dead!"Tibeadeaux is visibily shaken. "Oh, no! No! Wat da good news?""Man! She had over 2 dozen blue crab on her. We gonna run her again in the morning!"
<Insert groans here>

Dave Dixon · Post by **Dave Dixon** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 7:35 am

I can't resist.....A pastor, a lawyer, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Lawyer: I'll try to get them some more money through free litigation.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

frhrwa · Post by **frhrwa** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 8:24 am

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by Ellen de GeneresGUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
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Bob Scott · Post by **Bob Scott** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:42 am

Hey wayne!I'd like to balance out that last flagrantly right wing joke:Wayne, what's the difference between the Hindenburg and Rush Limbaugh?One is a flaming nazi gas bag.
The other one is a dirigibleBob

ModRob · Post by **ModRob** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:32 am

"It was so dry here today....I saw a squirrel putting moisturizer on his nuts!"

haklesup · Post by **haklesup** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 12:02 pm

An Engineer and a Scientist are walking in the park when they each spot a pretty girl sitting in the center of a park bench.Each of them comes up with the same idea. "If I sit at one end of the bench then move half the distance to the girl every minute, eventually I will meet her." And they both sit at opposite ends of the bench simultaniously.Who gets the girl?The Engineer of course. After several moves the scientist realizes that halfing the distance will get him closer and closer but he will never actually meet the girl. A hopeless asymptote.The Engineer moves twice then thinks, 'close enough' and says "How you Doin' Beautiful"A hobbiest or technician never participated but I am open to modifications to this story. What would he have done? Would he have won?

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